Moving on vs. Moving Forward

Today as I was scrolling through my instagram feed, I came across a quote by poet Rupi Kaur that read...

"I feel apprehensive, cause falling into you means falling out of him and I had not prepared for that".

Reading this quote got me thinking about what it really means to move on. Breakups look different for every person, for some moving on means giving back a person's belongings, deleting old pictures and potentially trying to erase all memories. For others, moving on may be going out with friends or on a few dates, staying busy and making it seem like they've got it all together. Personally, I like to look at breakups in 5 stages. The five stages of a breakup go hand in hand with the 5 stages of grief. Number 1 denial, this is usually the part where we attempt to look like we've really got our shit together. Going out with friends and family, getting drunk, shedding a few tears and trying to avoid the topic all together. Then comes anger, this stage sometimes seems to be the easiest, it is much easier to hate someone than it is to miss them. This is the burn their clothes, talk bad about them, nitpick the negative parts of the relationship phase. Stage 3, bargaining, depending which side of the breakup a person is on this stage means different things for different people. For some, it may mean trying to do everything in their power to be with their partner again (no matter how bad of an idea that is) but for others it may be trying to get the bargaining partner to understand that the relationship is truly over. Stage 4 depression, in the media this stage looks like empty tubs of ice cream and sad romantic movies but in the real world is often much much worse. This is where we find ourselves evaluating our entire relationship, the "should've, could've, would've" phase. Feeling sad, lonely and utterly devastated. But following this horrible state comes stage 5: acceptance. Now careful, just because someone has accepted a breakup, just as one accepts the death of a loved one, does not mean they are "ok" with it, it just means that they have taken the time to comprehend and may now feel ready to move forward with their life. Now this is where Rupi Kaur's quote comes in. After going through the 5 stages and grieving, we have moved on but can we move forward? Yes its true, believe it or not there is a difference between moving on and moving forward. Moving on is dealing with the past, moving forward is dealing with the future. Moving on is having dealt with emotions, regrets and burdens of the past. Moving forward is accepting and developing new feelings and making space for more memories and love. The past is a place that we cannot live, but the problem is the past is a comfortable place: full of problems that we already have the solutions too. The comfort of past problems especially with breakups is how familiar it all is, this familiarity is what makes moving forward difficult. As Rupi's quote states "I feel apprehensive, cause falling into you means falling out of him and I had not prepared for that". After a breakup, as we meet people who challenge us, inspire us and make us feel those intimate, heart wrenching feelings we have not felt in a long time, it is easy to feel uneasy and fearful. When we are alone after a breakup even after we have moved on, there is a still a part of our hearts that feel connected to our previous partner, giving us that familiarity and comfort that makes us feel safe. That safe feeling makes it easy to fall back into old habits with the same person, even if that is not what is best for us. If that same person who has hurt us all those times before, hurts us again at least we know how to deal with it. With a new person and a new love, there is no knowing for sure, we can feel as unprepared as packing only a bathing suit for a ski trip. Perhaps the scariest part of meeting someone new, is not the risk of being hurt again but the risk of being hurt in an unfamiliar way that we do not know how to deal with. But as terrifying as it is to feel unprepared, it can be equally as fulfilling and exhilarating. So the only question left is: Will you ski down the hill in your bathing suit?

- Halle B.