The Truth About Heartbreak

Sometimes I get a random pain in my chest, or a pit in my stomach or a lump in my throat. Any one of these will stop me dead in my tracks and knock the wind out of me. I used to think it was anxiety, it was such a familiar feeling I had convinced myself this was all it was. "Just another panic attack" I'd tell myself "You know what to do". This persisted for a long time until one particular day. This particular day I felt fine, no better or worse than usual, until I felt everything all at once. Pain in my chest, pit in my stomach, lump in my throat... "Am I dying?" I thought to myself. I felt hopeless and scared, unsure of what else to do I just stood there and waited. Unsure of what exactly I was waiting for, I just kept waiting. I didn't reach for water or do any breathing exercises as I normally do, I just stood there frozen trying to figure out what exactly was going on. Then it came to me, what I was feeling was heartbreak.

"What the hell, I'm not heartbroken about anything?" I thought to myself. All this time I had been thinking that this feeling was a typical panic attack but in reality I was feeling heartbreak. I asked myself this wondering what it was I was missing, what it was that my heart was aching for. I couldn't figure it out, I hated this feeling, this everso familiar and engulfing feeling. I just wanted it to stop. I couldn't calm myself down... what the hell is going on here? I thought back to all of the times in my life I have felt heartbroken, trying to pin point exactly what it is that I'm hurting over. Now I promised myself I'd always be honest in my writing so in the spirit of staying genuine and authentic, the times I was thinking of feeling heartbroken were:

- When my gramma passed away.

- Seeing my mom struggle with her breakup.

- Letting go of my first love.

I thought about grief and what loss hurt me the most and I could not for the life of me figure it out. The truth is, no loss is the same, for me trying to compare the hurt and loss was making me feel like I was ranking them, which is unfair and unrealistic. Losing a loved one vs. losing a pet or a relationship, all of it hurts us and challenged us in different ways. I thought I was fine, I had grieved and moved on, but looking back I realized that people will tell you things while you are grieving to make you feel better. "They are in a better place", "You are so much better off now" and whatever else people like to say to make you feel better. Although these things may be true it does not mean that the pain will go away. The biggest thing people will tell you is "It gets easier". To be fair the pain does get easier, you take it day by day till eventually you don't think about it all the time, eventually you won't want to run and hide every time you see a picture or hear their name, someday you will be able to forgive and let go of the anger and the sadness. But although it gets easier there still are days when just the slightest reminder will bring you to your knees and a song or a smell will make you feel like your heart has been tore in half. Its true, grief and heartbreak do get easier, but they definitely don't go away.

Through thinking about my life and my experiences, I realized that what I thought was these horrible panic attacks was really just heartbreak. A longing for the way things used to be. Sadness and regret, all the pent up feelings and memories that I keep bottled up most of the time... but can't keep bottled away forever. I could say that this experience and revelation about heartbreak gave me all the secrets to "beating grief" and "curing depression" but I'd be lying. I still get these days, I still feel sadness and grief and I still feel guilty and regret but all I can say now is that I know that everything I am feeling is valid and that when I feel this way all I can do is allow myself to feel. Feel every emotion, every memory, every tear and embrace it, because even though heartbreak is a terrible horrible feeling but in the end it is what makes us most human.