Walk Away in Peace

"It is so empowering to say 'this is no longer serving me' and walk away in peace"

---

In the past few months, I have felt like my mind and heart are finally coinciding. Not in a constant battle between my emotions and logic. I have been slowly, but surely learning how to become more comfortable with embracing my emotions rather that suppressing them. I began to no longer feel terrified to feel or acknowledge the stress and anxieties that I experience anymore. My past is not controlling me, haunting me anymore. I felt my mind transforming and learning to feel and move forward.

At least I thought...

Life has a very peculiar way of grounding you in moments where you get to comfortable. Call it god, the universe whatever you believe, something somewhere is waiting to bring you back down when you become fall into a routine that is a little to comfortable. Recently, something happened in my life that overwhelmingly brought every past experience I had tricked myself into believing didn't bother me anymore. Spirling back into old patterns and feelings is consuming. So much anger and devastation brought to the surface, I spent days feeling frustrated, anxious, on edge. Manifesting the hurt and anger that I have allowed to consume me and control me for so many years. Irritated with myself for giving into these emotions I have fought so hard to avoid and confused and resentful towards the people who made me feel these emotions. I felt the same way I did when I was a kid, helpless, desperately trying to understand the actions of those around me. I felt so sad for losing all the progress I have made this past year in being able to grow and move forward. I realize now looking back that this devastation was all a part of the process. I had become so comfortable in my routine and I see now that I was dealing with my sadness and emotions only on a very surface level.

This event that sent me spiraling into a pit of my emotions was just a way of the universe reminding me to stay grounded and true to myself. Just because I was feeling whatever emotion I was experiencing at the time does not mean that I was acknowledging the larger underlying issue. I believe that people are able to get over their past and grow from it but I do not believe that people can forget it entirely. Our past experiences traumatic or great, all come together to make up the larger story that is our life. We cannot escape it, regardless how hard we try, the people and the experiences of the past are a part of us and are essential in making up the people we have become today. This most recent experience was a reminder to me that we cannot escape our past, no matter how hard we try.

It also led to my recent revelation about the people we surround ourselves with. Everyone grows at a different pace and in their own way, the issue with this is that some people grow a lot faster than others. This is something I have struggled with for a long time, letting go of people that no longer serve me and my personal growth. It is hard to let go when you love someone, even if their presence is toxic to you. This most recent event was a strong reminder of that, the fact that you are only responsible for your own growth. I learned the hard way that some battles you just can't win, you can only walk away from. Sometimes if life is throwing you a curveball and turning everything upside down, it is not a stroke of bad luck, it is actually something for the better. For me, this most recent "stroke of bad luck" reminded me that you can not change others and that the actions of somebody else is not always a reflection of you. I have discovered the people that bring light and love to my life and the ones who take it from me. It took me a long time but I am learning that the world is not out to get me, and I believe with my whole heart that everything happens for a reason. Some reasons we will never know, some things we will never be able to comprehend but as long as we continue to believe in ourselves and lean into those who bring love to our existence... it will all be ok.