An open letter to myself a year ago...

Hi Old Friend,

I know it's been a while... I've sort of tucked you away into a box in the back of my head. I realized today that, I was scared to think of where I was this time last year. Not exactly sure quite what I was scared of... fearful of falling back into old patterns and habits? Or maybe I just feel to shameful of how bad I let things get. 2018 me, I know how lost you feel, how confused about life and distant from everything and everyone. Unsure of exactly who you are or where you are going. You feel so unlike yourself it's left you feeling disoriented and hurt, feeling so stuck in the present. The future as become this horrible, terrifying place full of pressure and pain. This pressure to succeed and be perfect you have manifested in your head and created for yourself is leaving you feeling hopeless and frustrated. You have shut down, everyday is now a challenge, a struggle and a burden. I know you feel like a quitter, a failure and a loser everytime you fall the slightest bit out of routine. Missing one class, one day at the gym, even finding one unplucked eyebrow hair sends you spiraling into this pit of sadness and anger. You are digging yourself deeper and deeper into a pit of self-loathing, feeling like the only way to get out is to strive for perfection. You feel ridiculous in how much your emotions are hurting you, you can't even sleep in your own bed it feels like the enemy. The worst part is after a while you don't feel sad anymore, you feel scared. Scared of your thoughts and how you are feeling. It truly is a terrible feeling, being scared of your own mind, a feeling that you can't escape. I know you want help, but you can't find the words to reach out and ask. When you do try to think about the future in a positive way, about all the fun you'll have university, all you can think is how you probably won't even survive till then. You feel your time is ticking away, you may think you are trying hard but you and I both know thats not true. You are giving up. But I just want to share what happens in the real future...

I'd love to tell you, 2018 me that in a few weeks from where you are it'll all be better but I can't lie to you. In reality you are somehow gonna push through day by day until about 3 months from now when you are gonna hit an all time low. You'll spend 5 days straight barely moving from bed. Every breath is going to feel like a shooting pain in your chest and you are gonna feel just about ready to finally give up.

But one day...

By some twist of fate, you'll get out of bed and go to school. On this day you'll open up to your friend in photography class about where you've been and how you are feeling. Then the next night, another friend is going to show up at your house and force you to go to a movie. Then in the morning your dog is gonna bark and bark until you finally go outside and take her for a walk. A few weeks after this, your mom is going to come home from vacation, find the terrible things you wrote in your journal, force you to talk and you'll start to feel a little better. You'll finally go out for your sunday morning breakfast with your grandpa. Little by little the weight will be lifted and you will start to feel ok again. You'll take every little measure to help yourself heal. Then eventually through these little steps you'll finally be able to sleep in your own bed again, laugh your head off and open up about how you are feeling...

Then one day, you'll be sitting in the library at university when you really should be studying for your midterm, typing away on your laptop thinking about the person you were this time last year. While thinking about this, you'll feel many thing. You'll feel a little sad thinking about how bad things got and how poorly you thought about yourself. You'll feel regret and anger towards the past. But most of all, you'll feel proud. Proud in how far you've come from that horrible place. You'll know that despite everything, you are patiently learning how to forgive yourself and those who hurt you. You'll think about all thats happened and what all this hurt allowed you to do. You finally re-established a relationship with your sister, you won awards at your graduation and you made some incredible friends in your new city. And yes sadly, you are still going to have some awful days where the world feels like it is ending, but you are learning slowly but surely how to lean into your friends, old and new who love you and want nothing but to help you. Finally 2018 me, you are going to realize how lucky you are and how you are capable of moving mountains and worthy of SO much more than you thought you were.

All my love,

2019 Me